How do you say it all?

Block. Writer's block? I'm not too sure, but everytime I started to write, I had to stop. You know those periods of time when so much is happening that even in your mind, it's all overlapping? So how put that on paper? I guess that's what the main problem has been. Indeed there've been a MYRIAD things to write about the past few weeks - one of the most reflective periods of my growing up! However, there has been a growing discomfort, something I can't quite put my finger on; and that has been the most frustrating. Usually I know the reason of my and hence deal with it, but this time..So here is how the investigation is going so far.

Calcutta. Or as we Bengalis say it - Kolkata, has come in a light I never thought possible before. Something that has increasingly become a part of me. Yes, you might say - "what do you know?you've only been there two years" - maybe that is the best part; maybe not. The best part why? - because, perhaps when you're in a certain place for a short while, you get the good things, you see only the good things, somehow the place sort of moulds itself in your eyes and to your subconscious self that way. But no, I have been at my worst in this city as well. And that is probably why I love it even more - because despite going through my worst here, I feel no urge to leave, or escape. Weird? Infact, I want to stay, almost to the point of desperation! It's a bit like scraping the batter bowl with your fingers after pouring it into the the baking tray. You scrape and scrape and devour the yummy batter from your fingers till your fully satisfied that there's absolutely nothing left on the sides of the bowl. Well, my point of satisfaction has not come yet. How have I determined that? Well, after having grown up and lived in Zambia for sixteen years, when it was finally time to leave I was shattered but at the same time, I also felt that I had to leave, that it was about time to leave and this would in the long-run be something good for me.

If I had to leave Kolkata right now, it would leave me distraught and I don't quite think I'd manage to get over it in another city.

You might say that because I've reached my comfort zone, I'm hesitant to leave - yes, and no. I'll come to the affirmative part later. No, because I'm still nervous as hell when I'm travelling on my own to unfamiliar parts of the city using public transport, still a bit shy when meeting new elderly people about whether I'm using the right etiquette and simply because there's SO much more I have left to learn about the city! Be it, names of traditional Bengali dishes, directions to famous spots, West Bengal politics, locations of the best 'dhaabas' and of course, what is in the heart of the people. What do they want from this city? What makes them continue to want to live here?

I never thought I would say it, but Kolkata is becoming my second home, yes, a place where the heart lies (technically, it IS supposed to be my home-land/city, since this is where I was born, but Lusaka is where I grew up, and which has left indelible marks on my personality; it is, and always will be a part of who I am). However, for the past two years, Kolkata has been working around me in that very same way, which is why my brain has slowly been developing that affinity towards it as home.

Spending my final two years of my school life here, I wouldn't have had it any other way. No, Sir! Saying it has been a roller-coaster ride would be an under-statement! There've been blows to my self-confidence and self-esteem that I thought would never heal, but I thank time for that, for it has been the best teacher and healer.

As Confucius said - "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we do" - And so I rose, stronger as a person and hopefully as a human. I've made some AMAZING friends who sadly, are on the verge of leaving in search of their futures. (ok, I don't want to think about it! It's bringing tears into my eyes!). These people, unlike any that I've met (except for my beloved childhood ones!), will be missed almost as much as my parents and sister. For they have been my family here. They have been a constant reminder of hope and love. For making the bad days bearable and the good ones even better. What will I do without you guys?!

Different kinds of friends have been made, those that you get to see everyday, so you mentally attach a tag saying "I practically live with them". And those that you don't get to see quite often but are equally important.

I've learnt nothing lasts forever. That indeed, there is no dearth of selfish people. Something incredibly intense can quite easily fade with time and re-evolve into something else; that has it's own beauty in the making (which has still left me awe-struck!) I've learnt that emotional baggage is damaging and should be unloaded, but that does not mean it turns into a "no-strings attached" situation. It means you scratch the unnecessary expectations, but still hold on to the convictions that made you connect to those people in the first place (because trust me, if you've been attached this long, there definitely was a part of them that touched you and still continues to do so, so be careful who you decide to severe ties with!) Call me cynical, but there is no place in the world for fantastically self-proclaimed labels. That is hindering, and oxymoronically halts your time and plans. Live for now. Complacency and reluctance to think about the future is permitted, so long as you don't become indifferent to your present Be it people or things.

Family. Is a wonderful thing, and living with them has indeed brought me closer to the city. This same family who used to be the "once in a year holiday treat" is now a full-time part of my life. Those who I used to be indifferent toward, would now be hard to live without! Even though, they can a be a handful at times, they are your blood and attachment is inevitable!

Some serious travelling has been done, I've been getting to know the real 'City of Joy'. And no, I won't list the typical "foreigner/ NRI" factors of it. But now that school's over and the hunt for college has begun, application collecting, submitting and attesting are at their peaks! Unlike other parts of the world where everything is done online. The process here is much more physical. Yes, in the zenith of Indian summers (heat+humidity+no rain) wandering around in search of respective colleges has been quite a task! (Yes, I know for those of you who've been living here your whole lives, it might not be such a big deal), but for all the times I've said "what a crap education system this country has!" I've equally loved every 'adventure' of mine. Be it going by bus to Ruby Hospital and then using various forms of other transport (autorickshaws, metro) to get to other locations - Ballygaunge, Patuli, Anandapur, or getting off at the wrong stop at Minto Park, taking a hike down to Camac Street, walking over the fly-over all the way from Nicco Park to Salt Lake (don't ask!). Smelling the books and dust at College Street or simply going by rickshaw to a nearby block in Salty Old Lake! The yellow ambassadors, the endless sweet-shops are yet to bore me. The colloquial Bangla, easy-to-catch jargon and the rawness of this beautiful place is what has got me hooked. Despite the incessant and maddening craze for IIT among people my age, the dodgy taxi-drivers and shame-less starers at City Centre (creeps!), I assure you, you will not be bored.

Wow, I just realized how much I've written and at the same time realized that this has been therapeutic. So have I said it all? I think so..

In the light of recent events - Life is too beautiful and too long for you to not try and be happy.

Everyone can be loved, if you give them a chance. The more you think about things having changed for the worst, you become a stereotype. If they have changed, make it for the better, even if you've lost something. Remember it is these very people that make you/ made you happy at some point.

*all smiles* This is where I want to be. This is where I'm meant to be.